Two friends, Kathy and Tina, are high-school students in a co-ed school. Kathy is shy and slightly socially awkward, she is rather plain in appearance and isn’t very popular in school. Tina, on the other hand, is a dancer and is popular in the school community. Being pretty, she has no problems getting people’s attention and making friends.
Their friendship is somewhat unequal, with Kathy always compromising for Tina. Tina is constantly (and unapologetically) late for appointments and frequently makes last-minute changes to their plans; on a few occasions even ditching her friend in favour of some other activity (like say, a house party she got invited to on the spur of the moment).
Kathy looks up to her popular friend, with an admiration that is nearly fanatical. She takes great pride in the fact that they are friends. Though she does not like the feeling of being ‘taken for granted’ and the fact that Tina does not seem to value her time very much, or even value her as a person, she does not want to do anything to upset Tina or jeopardise their friendship.
Taking on the role of a parent/teacher/sibling/schoolmate/anyone else, how would you advise Kathy to improve the situation through effective communication?
EDITED (punctuation)
Hi Yuen May：
ReplyDeleteI think the situation you have described is quite common among people: the unbalance between friends and couples.
I think the problem associated with Kathy is the loss of herself. Tina is the star in her eyes and she herself may just be a fan.
If I am a good friend of Kathy，I think I will firstly advise her what is a real friendship and let her know how I, as an outsider, think about their friendship. I will try to arouse some self-awareness in Kathy. I will let Kathy try to give out some complains if Tina comes late or changes the plan last minute and let Kathy observes Tina's reaction. If Tina says sorry and tries to correct herself, I will encourage this good trend. If Tina does not feel sorry or even gets angry, I think I will suggest Kathy to have a talk face to face with Tina about this. Tina could firstly describes how she cherishes their friendship and how she feels these days to let Tina know her situation. I think if Tina also cherishes their friendship, she will make some changes.
Hi May,
ReplyDeleteTo be perfectly honest I've been down this road before, both as Kathy and Tina but obviously not in terms of 'pretty dancer' ha. Its nice that you brought this up.
As Kathy's advisor, I'd definitely ask her to practice self-awareness by reflecting on whether she is over reacting to the situation by nitpicking on Tina and not looking at herself first. If she's positive that Tina's on the wrong end, I'd ask her to give serious thought as to why she thinks that is. It would probably be due to inferiority complex, after which I'd do my best to make her feel at ease with herself. Then its down to Kathy to make her views known to Tina in a nice way and decide if this friendship is something she'd cherish following Tina's response.
7C's wise, i think its faultless and you've made good on your promise to be more concise as compared to the first post which I found a very interesting read regardless.
Hi Yuen May,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I would like to say that I could not agree more with Chen's idea of imbalance between friends and couples. To be exact, I viewed the situation as Kathy having no identity of her own and thus seeking shelter under Tina which had more glamour. Kathy should actually learn to be more confident and should learn to take pride in whatever she does instead of admiring her friend. After all, each individual are special in their own way. It just takes time for each individual to discover their hidden potential.
In my opinion, I would advise Kathy to ponder upon her relationship with Tina whether the feelings for each other were one-way or two-way. From the looks of it, Kathy seemed to be at the losing end as she had to endure all the sufferings all by herself. Punctuality is a key virtue which Tina failed to adhere to. What made worse was that she was unapologetic to the fact that she was late. This type of unruly behavior is unacceptable. Furthermore, it is not wise for Kathy to bottle up all her discontentment about Tina as in the long run, Kathy would be taken for granted which is not a good thing for her.
What I feel is that having a face to face interaction is the best way to deal with the situation. She could actually have a good talk with Tina on a personal level to thrash things out where she could make known about her discontentment about Tina’s behavior. If she apologizes, then a second chance should be given to her. Kathy should then monitor the relationship for a month or so to see if things have changed for the better. If Tina reverts to her old self, then it is not worth having this friend. It is obvious to end the “dream” friendship if she does not seem to realize her mistakes right from the start. Then it will be clear that all that friendship that between Tina and her is all but a hoax. Hopefully, through all the talking, Kathy will be in a better position to tell who are truly good friends and not those that takes her for granted.
Thanks for posting :D
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI was planning to make my comments at a later date, but was particularly attracted to write in here as the scenario somehow just struck a chord. The simplicity and clarity in the writing had something to do with it as well! :)
It is quite evident from the earlier thread that self-awareness is very crucial in this friendship business. At times, there are tendencies to overestimate our contributions and undermine others. Thus, I believe it has to go together with empathy to sense out the intentions of a friend like Tina. Standing in her shoes, her popularity may not come easy as she probably has to invest time in maintaining her other friendships as well. If Tina really disregards Kathy as a friend, she may not have bothered to meet up with her in the first place. It could also be Tina's personality and upbringing to act spontaneously and impulsively, explaining the change of dates and lack of showing on occasions.
In a way, I have learnt that the distance between two is based on the comfort in the amount of giving and taking. Managing expectations of what she wants to give and receive from the different levels of a friend--be it an acquaintance, friend, close friend, buddy, friend of convenience--is one way that Kathy can choose to internally adjust to such a situation. On the other hand, she can also try to elicit a change in Tina by sharing her expectations. In a friendship, if both parties value each other and are willing to working things out to bridge expectations, their friendship would probably change for the better.
Yanling
Hi Yuen May,
ReplyDeleteWhat I like about your post is that it is short and straight to the point!
As what Yanling mentioned, Kathy should learn to manage her expectations. Certainly, she would crumble easily if she was to set her expectations high. Knowing Tina's character very well, she might have to give in to her cravings for adventure at times. Since both personalties are obviously different, she can instead try to work on improving their friendship rather than being constantly upset over Tina's other priorities in life.
For the fact that Tina still makes time for both of them shows she still treasures their friendship. Probably on Tina's side, she has to learn how to better manage her time wisely.
Easier said than done, I personally believe it is challenging to maintain a friendship/relationship when there is an obvious clash of personalities. As what I normally see in my circle of friends, the best of friends are often those who have many traits in common. Afterall, birds of the same kind flock together. =)
Alvin
Hi Yuen May,
ReplyDeleteI would explain to her that true friends would never take each other for granted. But if she's happy being taken for granted, then no problems there.
Wyhow
Hi Yuen May!
ReplyDeleteI believe that Kathy should have a heart-to-heart talk with Tina. Communication is the basis for building a long and sustainable friendship. Kathy should not suffer in silence, she ought to let Tina know how she truly feel towards their friendship. Clearly Tina prioritizes the others before Kathy, otherwise she wouldn't call off or make ridiculous changes to their outings at the very last minute. This could cause frustration, disappointment and anger which are detrimental to their friendship.
Then again, Tina is someone high profile while Kathy is the exact opposite. They have different definition towards friendship and clearly their social life are very much diferent. It is not easy for them to come to a consensus and thus communication between the two parties are vital. I believe that if Tina truly treasure the friendship between Kathy and her, things will be fine between the two of them once again!
I guess this is a pervasive problem that most people would face when it comes to friendship. Prioritze, that's the word (:
Cheerios,
Xiaoshi
Hi May,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your other post, this is soooooo much shorter! Haha.. A good job making it concise, and you did summarise the whole situation well.
In reply to the solution, I feel it would be a good idea for both of them to sit down to talk. Kathy can arrange a time with Tina, after all they are friends and should be comfortable talking it out. Kathy should let Tina know that this conversation is important, and if Tina is a good friend, she would definitely make arrangements for her. It is crucial for Kathy to let Tina know of her feelings, or else Tina might remain oblivious even until after their friendship fade away (if it happens). I wouldn't recommend a third party in the conversation, unless its a mutual friend between both of them and everyone is comfortable with it.
Conflicts within friendships should always be clarified and resolved, before the seed of discord starts growing. If you thought of this, or know of a real life situation like this, you probably already know that. Cheers!
Hi,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, this is a well-delivered essay. It is concise and straight to the point. The way it is expressed is clear. One thing though, this section "very much; or even value" the ";" could be left out right? It's actually the same sentence. Otherwise, it's perfect.
Now answering the question. This situation is commonly happen in a lot of relationships. In a romantic ones, I have seen many people broke up because of "he/she is taking me for granted." I think it's not a healthy relationship from the start. I would actually advise her to tone down the relationship. This is what is called "stepping back" in a romantic relationship. This is to see what Tina really thinks of Kathy. If she really values her friendship, then she would ask her what happened. Otherwise, Kathy would see that this friendship is not going to be a close one. I would advise her to be just a normal friend, not a close friend.
Cheers,
Billet
I like the story in this post, May, because it is actually quite poignant, and I really appreciate your clear, very concise presentation. From reading the range of your classmates' comments, I can see too that many of them can relate to it; they have all sorts of ideas about it.
ReplyDeleteExcellent job with the topic!
Here are a few observations on your language use:
a) Two friends, Kathy and Tina are... >>> Two friends, Kathy and Tina, are ...
b) to their plans; on a few occasions... >>> to their plans, on a few occasions
c) Kathy looks up to her popular friend, and greatly admires Tina. >>> Is there some redundancy here?
d) ...Tina does not seem to value her time very much; or even value her as a person, >>> Tina does not seem to value her time very much; or even value her as a person, punctuation?
Thanks for your effort --- and the improvement on the length compared to the first post!
Hi Billet!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you on that punctuation point! Looking at it now, I think a comma would have been more appropriate there. Thanks for pointing it out! (:
Oh! Hi Brad!
ReplyDeleteI hadn't seen your post while replying to Billet's! Now that you mention it, yes there are a LOT more mistakes that I over-looked. Hmm, should start being more careful with my punctuation.
The point on redundancy has been noted as well. I will work on my tendency to over-explain/be long-winded. (: Thanks, the blog post will be edited accordingly.